When we say yes, I do, we tend to think that we are only committing ourselves to the person in front of us. However, their parents become our in-laws and – whether we like it or not – end up influencing the quality of our relationship. A study conducted at the University of California revealed that the quality of the bond with the in-laws can predict the success of the relationship, especially in the case of women.

Undoubtedly, getting along with our partner’s parents greatly facilitates coexistence, but there is a huge difference between maintaining a good relationship and being treated as if we were their children. Replicating the parent-child relationship can have some side effects, so it’s not always a good idea.

Role confusion can lead to meddling in the couple’s relationship

Statements she is another daughter for us or I treat her like a son do not usually help to establish the proper relationship with daughters-in-law or sons-in-law. Just as parents cannot be their children’s best friends because some of their parental obligations take them away from that role, neither is the son-in-law or daughter-in-law another child.

Undoubtedly, the bond established with in-laws shares some characteristics of relationships with parents, but it is also different in that it is formed in adulthood and lacks the long history that characterizes parent-child bonds.

Those ties are not freely established either but is based on shared love towards a third person in common. As a result, the affection that parents-in-law have for their sons-in-law or daughters-in-law, as well as the expectations they have of them and their demands are different from the bond they have with their children.

Confusing roles with the new or son-in-law can derail the relationship. When in-laws take on the role of parents, they also often carry the parental roles with them. In many cases, this means that they see themselves as the guides and/or protectors of the couple, so they can end up interfering too much.

Each family has its script. These scripts establish what are the acceptable ways of behaving, relating, speaking, and even thinking. They are a shared expectation of what family life should be like. Some of those scripts have become so ingrained that they even determine how we discuss or express affection.

Family scripts explain why we end up telling our children the same things that our parents used to say to us and that we hated so much. We replicate them unconsciously. Likewise, when parents-in-law make their sons-in-law or daughters-in-law their children, they can replicate relational patterns that do not respect their personal space and are too invasive.

This attempt to preserve authority, establish rules and maintain control can cause the in-laws to end up interfering too much in the couple’s relationship, which becomes a source of conflict. The confusion in the roles can make them feel validated to impose their criteria, pressure the partner or even make decisions on their behalf.

On the other hand, when the in-laws are treated as surrogate parents, probably due to detachment from their own or because we come from a dysfunctional family in which we do not feel comfortable, it is more likely that we will end up transferring unresolved conflicts to the new relationship…

Without realizing it, we can project on our in-laws all the frustrations that we have accumulated with our parents, so that the relationship will suffer. We could replicate the anxious and ambivalent attachment relationships that we have associated with the father or mother figure or even react disproportionately when we detect behaviors similar to those of our parents that made us feel bad in the past.

Therefore, treating sons-in-law or daughters-in-law as if they were children can replicate old patterns of behavior and activate dysfunctional ways of relating that do not contribute to family well-being and can even affect the couple, becoming a source of friction and arguments.

How to build a healthy relationship with in-laws?

Not treating sons-in-law or daughters-in-law as if they were your children does not mean that you do not love them. It just means not confusing roles or replicating inappropriate relational patterns. When we meet a person with whom we intend to maintain a long-term relationship, be it our partner or in-laws, we unconsciously negotiate the scripts that each one brings from their respective families of origin and we usually apply a combination of both.

However, once the family has established its emotional patterns, it is very difficult to change them, as researchers from the Pennsylvania State University. This means that it is important to make clear from the beginning the roles that we are willing to assume and the limits that must not be crossed. It is not about building walls but about avoiding unnecessary conflicts so that the relationship with our in-laws flows better.

How to achieve it? It has been found that first encounters are fundamental to establishing healthy adult relationships. There are three keys: the people involved must open up to allow others to get to know them, express affection and show a genuine interest in getting to know the other.

Therefore, it is important to create opportunities to meet in a relaxed environment that facilitates communication and mutual understanding. Intimacy arises when we lower our defenses and show ourselves openly.

It is also essential to start on the right foot because relationships that start with positive feelings tend to consolidate over time. The early positive or negative emotions of in-laws tend to linger into later years of marriage, which means that we must strive to create a positive climate that facilitates rapprochement and understanding.

The way we approach the relationship with our in-laws is decisive. Our beliefs and expectations about the type of bond we might have in the future influence the relationship, acting as a self-fulfilling prophecy. People who believe they will bond will be positive develop stronger bonds. In contrast, those with negative expectations encounter problems sooner than expected and have more unsatisfactory relationships with their in-laws.

In summary, it is about understanding that we are establishing a new family relationship that we must take care of so that it flourishes with its peculiarities, without weighing it down with the weight of roles that do not correspond to it. They are people with whom we can establish deep emotional bonds and with whom we will share special moments of our lives. This new relationship doesn’t need to become a replica of the parent-child relationship.