If you use one of these eight expressions, your love relationship is in trouble, according to a Harvard expert

There are phrases that generate a lot of pain and that you should avoid when fighting with your partner.

Dr. Cortney Warren is an expert in relationships. She is a clinical psychologist from the University of Texas and worked at McLean Hospital at Harvard Medical School. She has written almost 50 magazine articles and a book on love addiction and breakups, which has given her great authority in talking about love. She wrote an article for the North American medium CNBC, in which she details the eight phrases that couples say to each other and that show that a relationship is going through a terrible time.

He ensures that more than hurtful, a relationship is damaged when enormous contempt is shown for the other. “Contempt is dangerous because it not only attacks a person’s character, but also assumes a position of superiority over them. When we communicate in this way, we can treat others with disrespect, mock them sarcastically, ridicule them, or use dismissive body language, such as rolling our eyes or mocking.

These are the eight things you should never say to someone you love:

It is, according to the doctor, an attitude of superiority of one member of the relationship with the other. It means that he feels much more than her partner and this attitude usually hurts his self-esteem. Dr. Warren suggests that instead of releasing those expressions, talk about how she would like to feel at home or how she is going to work to value who is next to her more.

When it gets to this point, there is a problem. If there is trust between two, you must start by being able to tell when things are not going well.

Lying about how you feel hurts the relationship, and keeps you from moving forward. For this reason, the doctor always recommends being honest when there is discomfort between the two.

It is perhaps one of the most offensive things that someone can hear from the one they love. It means that they don’t value you for the person you are, nor do they understand that happiness lies in diversity. The doctor proposes better to say that you are not satisfied with a situation and not to personalize the problems in the fights.

There will always be ways to avoid saying the worst. The doctor suggests that it be better to say “it is difficult for me to be with you at this time”. Saying I hate you is truly harmful. She tells how many people come to therapy to ask if someone can love, after saying that they hate. breathe.

Couples always know each other’s insecurities and know how to exploit that vulnerability. And there is nothing that hurts more than the relationship with the children. And in turn with their own parents.

It is a way of minimizing the arguments of the other. Do not underestimate the feelings of others. Couples often yell things like “the problem is in your head”, but according to the doctor, this does a lot of damage.

It’s understandable that many people suffocate in the relationship, but saying this is hurtful. The doctor suggests that he better propose to give himself a space.

It is a way of warning that you want to end the relationship and that generates fear in the other. The doctor suggests never giving ultimatums.

1. They have similar interests

Studies have found that couples who are similar in social background, education, and even genetics are more likely to get together than repel each other. But curiously, this coincidence in tastes has not shown to be a weight variable in keeping couples together. “It’s not what you do together that’s important, but how you interact,” says John Gottman in one of his articles published in The Washington Post.

According to their experiments, the ratio of negative to positive interactions is a more certain predictor of couple success. According to the expert, the magic ratio is 5 positive comments for 1 negative. In research dating back to the 1970s, in which Gottman analyzed how couples fought, it became clear that those with this ratio were more stable. The unhappy ones, on the other hand, have fewer positive and more negative comments. Negative interaction is understood to mean expressing anger through criticism, contempt, or with gestures such as rolling one’s eyes. Among the positive ones is saying gentle things that show interest and express affection or gestures such as holding the other’s hand or asking for forgiveness.

2. They know that infidelity causes the most divorces.

Most believe that being unfaithful is the most important source of breakup in love relationships. In an article published on the specialized site Marriage.com, betrayal tops the list above money management, lack of communication and continuous fights. Although no one doubts that an affair generates a terrible shake, the evidence that the Gottman Institute has collected shows that the chunks are the symptom of an older problem that they did not pay due attention to.

Indeed, a study carried out by the Marriage Mediation Project found that 80% of couples claimed that they separated or divorced due to emotional distancing. Only 25% indicated an extramarital relationship. This was confirmed by Gotman’s studies, in which couples indicated that they divorced due to loneliness. The infidelity stemmed from that problem.

 

3. They never go to bed angry

Newlyweds get that advice frequently, As it is, when they fight at night, many feel tempted to fix the issue as long as they comply with that rule. But according to Gottman, a fight needs time and rest. In a study in which they sought to see the physiological reactions that arose in a couple’s discussion, they found that at that moment both have a high level of stress reflected in an accelerated heart rate, increased cortisol in the blood, and sweating. And when tempers are high, “it’s impossible to have a rational conversation,” Gottman says.

The next phase of the experiment consisted of giving them a magazine for 30 minutes before talking to their consorts again. With this interruption, the second meeting was much more positive because their bodies were calmer in physiological terms and “that helped them communicate rationally and with greater respect,” she says.

In another study, experts have observed that couples have different styles of dealing with disagreements. In addition, the evidence shows that about two-thirds of the issues that married people fight over are recurring. “This way it won’t be possible to fix a matter like this even if you stay up all night trying to do it.” But couples can try to go to sleep with the fight pending, but on good terms, without insults or angry gestures. A night’s sleep may be all they need to iron out their differences.

 

4. They know that agreements guarantee nothing

Coming to an agreement about who takes on what chores around the house is important to the health of a relationship. Some couples like Mark Zuckerberg and Priscilla Chan have acknowledged that they have a contract in which they specify their punctual practices, such as “having one date a week, spending a minimum of 100 minutes alone, leaving the apartment and staying away from Facebook . ” Others, like The New York Times journalist Mandy Len Catron, confessed to having signed a contract with her partner with stipulations ranging from “how long guests can stay at home to who pays a bill.”

Although some experts favor this idea, since in some cases it could ensure clearer communication and reduce levels of dissatisfaction and anxiety, others say that it could be a disaster, since there is no scientific evidence of its benefits. In 1977, researcher Bernard Murstein found that reciprocity-oriented marriages were less successful, as unfulfilled expectations increased criticism and mutual contempt. John Gottman agrees that a contract does not solve root problems, since these should “come from a place of generosity and selflessness, instead of being marked by an obligation.”

According to a Harvard Business School study of 3,000 couples, the solution is to get rid of the contract and spend that money on a cleaning service, if the problem is making the bed or washing the dishes. Simply, because that way they can spend more time together and fight less. Experts warn that it is also important to learn to accept that there are things that cannot be decreed, not even with a contract.

 

5. Couples therapy is only for troubled marriages

People often think that seeking the advice of a psychologist at the beginning or even before marriage poses a bad symptom. But many do not know that, in addition to helping to solve marital problems, therapies are used to learn emotional tools necessary to deal with the ups and downs of a relationship.

Believing that they are not needed has prevented many spouses with normal marriages from taking advantage of them. According to experts, these tend to come too late, as on average they wait six years after the problems arise to go to a therapist. More than resolving a trauma or saving a marriage, consultations for couples are useful to learn to communicate, understand each other, prevent conflicts, but above all to reveal the truth about a relationship. One of the most recognized couples that has overthrown this prejudice is that of Beyoncé and Jay Z, who openly agree to have counselors who help keep their relationship stable.