You are clear that ‘it is not what it used to be’ but you justify the decline in relationships that change over time. You only wonder day after day what happened, if it is a streak or you are doomed to failure and if there is something you can do to make your life as a couple work . Looking for professional help and going to therapy together? Set aside a time? Let things be fixed by themselves? No, the latter is never the best option.

You can take the bull by the horns and try to contribute something so that the situation stops being stagnant, and does not require a superhuman effort on your part. Tim Lott poses in ‘The Guardian’ a dozen tips that can help us improve our relationship and regain love – or, at least, peace in the home and mutual respect.

Give up your project to turn your partner into a different person. It will not work

“Some of them are scandalously obvious,” says the optimist author, but “precisely the simplest things are the ones we ignore most frequently and pay the least attention to”, when they could form a perfect strategy to save your life as a couple.

1. Find a shared ‘hobby’
It often happens that our ‘hobbies’ suppose a relatively high economic expense and we consider that making them as a couple may be too expensive … We will have to find an alternative to share something during our leisure time . As simple as taking a walk one day a week, going to the movies or sign up for an activity such as a cooking or painting course in which you can enjoy both. “Spending time together not only helps you feel more united but it becomes a declaration of intent,” says Lott.

2. See more television
According to the author, using the computer and other electronic devices isolates us as individuals but watching television can be a positive experience. Accustomed to doing what we want with our computers without anyone thinking, watching TV you have to agree to choose the programming and make decisions together. In addition to that, probably, you will find a program or series that you both like and you will be able to acquire a new habit as a couple to see it every week.

3. Fix yourself a little
Nor is it that you have to put on your heels and go with the painted nose or fix your beard every morning and perfume yourself alive with the cologne that you know you like so much. At home you have to be comfortable and relaxed but it is good to show our partner that we care that they see us attractive from time to time and “avoid becoming a vagabond with personal hygiene problems”, the author exaggerates.

4. Assume its virtues and shortcomings
“Abandon your project to turn your partner into a different person. It will not work, “says Lott. You can try to change certain behaviors but not your personality. Any person, with help and decision, can modify their way of acting (not what they are) but it requires a lot of patience and to approach the transformation in small and progressive steps. The only thing you can do is to show understanding and support you in this process.

5. Do not interrupt
“Interrupting someone before they have finished expressing their opinion on a topic to say what you believe is the strategy used by people who do not have enough confidence in their own point of view,” says Lott. The objective of people with this attitude is to ensure that the interlocutor does not fully expose their point of view because they are convinced that if they do, they will be defeated and will not find solid arguments to defend themselves.

It is a fairly common attitude in personal and work relationships, but we should try to live it in our life as a couple. You have to let talk and explain yourself always, even if you have the habit of cutting yourself and constantly challenge yourself to seek discussion. One of the two has to set an example.

6. Listen
And taking advantage that you are going to let your partner give their opinion without interrupting it, what do you think if you also listen to it? When there is trust, it is very common to give signs that attention is being paid-to nod or to stare while they speak to us-but without knowing anything, and even if you think you are faking luxury, the other party has noticed and It will put on the defensive as soon as it detects the minimum symptom that you are passing Olympianically of what it says.

“This does not mean that you become your psychologist but that you focus on the other person and try to understand their needs and concerns .” And the only way to achieve this is by listening to their verbal messages and watching carefully to decipher their gestures and looks (they can say much more than you think).

7. Avoid this word
According to the psychologist Jeffrey Bernstein there is a word that makes partner relationships toxic and recommends eliminating it immediately from our vocabulary when communicating with our partner.

Stop saying to the person you love what you “should” do, say or think: “It is a verbal time that translates into a behavioral judgment with negative connotations towards the couple,” explains Bernstein.

8. Forget the extremes
Valuing from the extremes corresponds to irreversible situations: you never hear me, we always have the same discussion, we never agree, we always have to do what you want …

If a discussion is repeated frequently, perhaps it is that a solution has not yet been found. Avoiding it is not a good idea and saying openly that you do not want to treat the issue generates a feeling of apathy and lack of interest in finding a satisfactory pool.

9. Give drugs (with prescription)
“It does not hurt to use drugs when necessary.” Lott refers to medications that can help solve certain problems of a couple by going to the specialist together and getting them under medical diagnosis: viagra for erectile dysfunction, analgesics for people with migraines, treatments to improve sleep apnea …

“Drugs can not fix a relationship , but they do help anesthetize some of its most painful side effects,” the author insists.

10. Be kind
“The simplest and most effective strategy of all,” says Lott. Treat our partner with love and kindness will be the key to treating us in the same way and improve respect, empathy and trust between the two parties.

Through gestures such as looks , smiles, caresses, hugs or kisses, or with attitudes such as not skipping the turn of the word, avoiding bad comments or not raising the volume of the voice, you will show that your opinion matters and interests you and you respect as a person.