Have you ever discussed with your partner about issues related to parenting ? If so, and I imagine that 90% will have answered yes, this week’s topic interests you a lot. We will try to find out what we can do when in the couple we have different views about parenting.
Why are there arguments for parenting in the couple?
We are immersed in a process of change in the roles traditionally assigned to men and women , and this has some consequences. A study conducted in 2011 , found that couples have a stronger relationship and more support when the father spends more time playing with the child but participating less in their care. However, they saw that couples had more problems and differences when the father takes a more active role in raising their childIt is not surprising, because if two people are responsible for making decisions, there is more likelihood of conflict than if only one person takes them. Therefore, the way in which the couple addresses such discrepancies will be decisive for them to help build a stronger relationship and a more respectful upbringing , or to confront and distance the members of the couple.
As soon as the couple arrives home after a few days in the hospital, those first differences begin: “again to the chest?”, “Better not to take him so much so that he does not get used , right?”, “And if we give him a bibe of reinforcement? ” and as time goes on they do not stop appearing: ” it would be good if he went to his room, that’s why we bought it … “,” Well, in September I saved it, right? “,” We should not crush the food a bit more, with such large chunks it will choke ” , and I could follow the list almost to infinity.
Being a couple does not necessarily imply sharing the same points of view about parenting at all times , but it does imply the responsibility to be able to work on these differences in a constructive and respectful way for both. Because the respect in the upbringing should not be restricted to the child, but should be extended to those people who think or act differently to us, especially if it is our partner.
A first tool that we will need to address these different ways of looking at parenting will be, as it can not be otherwise, dialogue . But not a dialogue to convince the other : there are many couples who, more than dialogue, try so hard to replicate their partner’s arguments that they do not even listen to their point of view. It is necessary to understand the other and sometimes give in, since without a good dose of flexibility dialogue is not possible.
In the difference is wealth
Fathers and mothers are and must be different; each one brings something different to our children. Expecting that our partner has at all times the same opinion and vision that we are not only naive, but impoverishes the quality of the relationship established between all members of the family. There are many couples who distance themselves because they consider that the way of acting of each of them is correct , so the other should change and act accordingly. In fact, a recent study found that the value of the parent’s role in parenting was given precisely because he does things differently than the mother. It is not that it is better or worse, it is simply different, and that is where the richness and importance of its role come from.
Not all subjects are equally important
Many fathers and mothers get involved with the same belligerence when talking about which fruit is better for tea, than when they talk about what school they want for their children or the reduction of one of them. If we grant everything the same importance, suddenly everything loses it. Prioritizing and giving up become very important tools.
While there are issues in which it is possible (and desirable) to respect the different ways of acting of each parent, there are others in which it is not possible. In minor matters it will be easy to reach agreements and respect the difference, but when we talk about the big issues the thing is complicated: breastfeeding, co-sleeping, schooling, limits with the family, work conciliation, etc. they are issues that have longer-term implications, greater emotional component and require the full involvement of both parents, so they will make necessary greater doses of dialogue and negotiation. These big issues it is advisable to start treating them before the birth of your child; It is a good idea to incorporate the dialogue on these issues to the preparation of the arrival of the child, along with other “minor” issues such as the choice of the name or the decoration of the room, since the importance they will have in their development to short and long term will certainly be huge.
The discussions about parenting
At this point many couples say: “Yes, but it is that when we talk about these issues we end up discussing” . All couples argue, and this fact in itself is not a bad thing. It is important to control the intensity, frequency and usefulness of the discussions. Never disrespect, physically or verbally assault the other person, tolerate disparagement or humiliation. If discussions occur too often, it is likely that the couple has entered a phase in which, far from fighting side by side to achieve a common goal, they fight among themselves to avoid invasions of their land. The discussion should serve to reach a point where we unlock the issue that has taken us there, and when we are not able, it is not unreasonableseek professional help that helps the couple get out of the blockade in which they find themselves.
And what happens if we argue in front of the children? It will depend on how it is discussed. If we are talking about enriching, civilized discussions, full of respect for the other and in good ways, we will be transmitting to our children a model of high educational value. If on the contrary we are simply “fighting” for any trifle, first it is better that we do not, and if it is not possible, at least we should not do it in his presence.