From our conception , the bond with our mother supposes the most significant relationship that we maintain, for years, with another human being. The quality of this link is not only essential for the development of our personality, but also constitutes the model to follow for the type of relationship that, later, we will establish with other people.
How to recover peace after a painful childhood
Despite having suffered from toxic relationships with our mother , (hypercontrol, emotional abandonment, abuse, abuse, etc.), we can always work to regain control of our lives.
These 6 steps can help to recover inner calm if the maternal union during childhood was deficient and its derived deficiencies still harm us.
1. Now, you are also an adult.
Time has passed and the girl your mother continues to see as her little daughter has grown up. The time has come for you to make your own decisions, you have every right to live your own life. Do not hesitate, you deserve to have horizontal relationships, free of submission and power games.
2. You mark the limits.
More often than not, the changes we want to occur in others never come. Maybe, your mother keeps repeating her same schemes and pretending that you act as before, however, now You can set limits of respect in your relationship and decide how far you allow them to interfere in your life.
3. Understanding does not mean allowing
You can come to understand the reasons why your mother, in the past, behaved as she did, but this is no excuse for her to continue acting the same. It is not healthy to hide the damage you received.
4. And if you are a mother
If you have your own children, then you feel a double motivation to free yourself from the past and recover your emotional balance. On the one hand, you notice a legitimate interest in healing, but also, think that all the load that you release, will be a burden that you are avoiding your children.
5. Think of you
If you have spent your life hanging on the wishes or expectations of others, the time has come to think of yourself. It is not selfishness, it is emotional health. Remember that if you are not well, you can not unconditionally love your loved ones.
6. Do things that you want
Listen to your body and feel what it asks of you. You can start with simple things like walking on the beach, listening to your favorite music or developing a forgotten hobby. Little by little, you will feel increasingly clear that inner voice that tells you what is good for you.
The strength of the mother-daughter bond
Some mothers build solid bonds of connection and respect with their children . Free of conditionings and feeling accompanied in their needs, these children grow happy and sure of themselves. In other families, authoritarianism, blackmail and coercion damage the bond of the mother with her children, who end up dragging, for life, a cluster of insecurities and low self-esteem.
Marta’s case comes to my mind, one of the most extreme emotional withdrawal experiences I have had in consultation. Such was the homelessness lived in his childhood that one year he repeated course at school and his mother only found out when, after several months, one of the brothers noticed and told him.
Faced with these absent mothers , we can find the opposite case, that of overly controlling mothers, such as Fatima, a teacher by profession, who spent the adolescence of her daughter reviewing her personal diary and redressing her faults with a red pen.
Both experiences are devastating for the personality and, both Marta and Fátima, when they came to consultation, they presented a feeling of inferiority and low self-esteem that affected them deeply in their personal relationships and in their ability to face the daily situations of their lives.
Of course, the mothers of both are also victims and drag their load of abandonment, fears and insecurities behind them. But, these harsh circumstances, do not minimize the impact of the shortcomings and the repressions that their own daughters have suffered.
Every child, at birth, expects to feel welcomed and loved unconditionally by his mother (also by his father). When this does not happen, the child feels sadness, helplessness, frustration and anger without being able to express them. To survive, the creature ends up conforming to the conditions imposed by his family. The consequences of this break with their true self will drag them for life.
To heal in depth, we have to bring to light the emotions that were silenced in the past, connect with our true essence and ensure that they never repress us again. Only in this way, being authentic and honest with ourselves, can we build healthy relationships with others.
Of course, this personal change will influence the current relationship with our own mother. We will abandon submission and dependence, and we will be able to mark our own limits, making clear how we want to act and what we are going or will not tolerate.
The evolution of the relationship with our mother will also depend on how she accepts all these changes. If you stick to the insane schemes of the past, but we no longer allow it, it is inevitable that a distancing takes place.
But if the mother assumes, as a mature person, the mistakes made in the past and shows a true attitude of change, it is possible to maintain a healthy and adult relationship, no longer from indifference or repression, but from mutual understanding and the dialogue.
Our most authentic self , that inner part of us that knows how we really are and what we need to be happy, never disappears and with the right accompaniment, we can always free ourselves of all the accumulated ballast after years of abuse and reconnect with our true self.
This 180 degree change in our lives also affects our relationship with others and theirs with us. Sometimes, the differences are almost insurmountable and distance is imposed to be able to heal properly.
On other occasions, after contemplating the transformation suffered by their children, it is the mothers themselves who go to therapy to work on their personal affairs. In these cases, the affective bond with your daughter or son is healing as each of the parties matures.
Regardless of what our mother’s reaction is , the important thing is to have done the comprehension and healing work that I mentioned above. After this process, we can regain control over our life, we will take, without feeling pressured, our own decisions and we will restore our self-esteem and inner calm.