When talking about open relationships – those where it is allowed to establish another link with a third person; and it is for casual sex, more or less you establish ties sentimentally speaking, polygamy, so … – I found three main reactions: a) those who reject the idea because ” they can not imagine the couple with someone else” ; b) others who affirm that “that of open relationships does not really exist because one always falls in love or commits more, or even it is just a pretext to be unfaithful without paying the consequences”; and c) those who prefer to maintain open relationships for convenience and affinity with personal ideas. However, how true is all this
Open relationships, similar to monogamous couple relationships, require the same effort , the same dedication, the same affection, the same need for evolution as a whole, the same personal development …, only that they are forced to carry out a agreement to ensure the emotional and physical health of both involved. Let’s say it is a pact similar to that established with the coupleabout what plans there are for the weekend, who is responsible for cleaning the bathroom and who is in the room, or what will be prepared for food; that is to say, a pact that arises from the daily life of the relationship without the need to cause discomforting discomforts or sensations of being distant, extraordinary or hard. And above all because there is confidence to change it if there is any discomfort!
It really is a dynamic born from the beginning of the relationship , from the everyday, and is closely related to the psycho-emotional and sexual development of each one. That is, if traditional monogamous relationships are not your thing, the idea of open relationships flirts with you and you do not want to fall into the story of Summer-Tom, we share a list of features that you could start thinking about:
When monogamy, romanticism -eye, but not the cheesy or affectionate- and jealousy “fall short” , it is inevitable to look for more adequate alternatives to our needs: from unlearning that the couple is someone who completes or fills our gaps, until we are individual beings who only decide to share moments, ideas, beliefs, sex, among others . By understanding that the couple is, as one, a being that discovers what they do and does not like or need in a relationship, it is often easier to build an intimacy, a trust and a lovebeyond the realm of love movies; that is, from the reflection of what one is really willing to give, to receive and to be flexible to change – independently of what others say. It is therefore very important to keep in mind that in love, it is not about two people who complement each other perfectly like two pieces of a puzzle; but of a teamwork that requires mistakes and successes, ups and downs to result in the confidence of an open relationship.
Thanks to that change mentioned above, understanding that we are two individual beings sharing a moment in life, we are forced to continue searching and reaching personal, work or academic goals. So that an open relationship allows not only know, establish a bond with other people and maintain a certain intensity of intimacy with the couple, also to give greater freedom to achieve those goals for which we get up every day to work. And so, as one becomes empowered with freedom in fulfilling their dreams, one empowers the couple to do exactly the same.
In addition, it is much easier to organize times for one, the couple and friends / queberes. In some way, giving yourself time always brings a greater sense of empowerment, freedom, domination and, above all, love for one and for others.
Having established that the couple is only a person with whom they share moments of life in privacy and that is why you see yourself in the personal obligation to continue with your own projects or dreams, you renew your confidence in yourself . Curiously, this process is accompanied by that sense of empowerment, of personal strength, which considerably reduces the waves of jealousy that could arise during an open relationship.
In jealousy, it is never about the other person or the third. Following a principle of meditation and stoicism, others will always act according to their likes and dislikes and we can never really change them; so one needs to observe oneself to discern the what and why it makes us feel bad according to what actions , and thus contemplate the different possibilities on what we can do about it and put ourselves in a safe place. That is, find a solution so that the action of the other does not harm us. It can be, for example, to establish agreements where the links with third parties are exclusively sexual or exclusively of flirting -more than sexual or emotional-. It is a mere process of self-care.
Returning to the comments of people who consider that open relationships do not exist because in the end one always falls in love, it is important not to accept or enter an open relationship without this new mindset . Otherwise, yes, one falls in love and suffers; and yes, also, one ends up being Tom of 500 Days of Summer (2009); or worse, one is a victim of some Sexually Transmitted Infection -ITS- or of violence in the couple. After all, who is in the relationship, is one; who is going to live the relationship, is one; who is going to have a good or bad time, is one.
Agreements in an open or monogamous relationship are always important; and the limits, even more . Once analyzed what it is that one and the other both need and want in the open relationship, one needs to communicate in the clearest, most concise and direct way possible. Mainly when it comes to putting limits on third parties: who are they? Is it a sexual, emotional or flirting link? What kind of sexual hygiene should be contemplated – use of condoms, STI tests … -? , How can you inform the couple? Can you have an appointment where the three or four meet? Is it better to communicate everything, little or nothing about the other link? Can you enter the house with the / the other or always in places other than the couple ?, etcétera. Communication, limits and loyalty-meeting the agreement between the two- is the basis of every relationship where there is love.