On many occasions, we are involved in an argument with our partner without understanding how. We do not even remember why it started, but we are aware that we have reached a point from which we no longer know how to get out. The conversations become increasingly cold, and everything that the other person does is one more drop that contributes to the glass being closer and closer to overflowing. In this dynamic, it is not easy to solve problems.
The fact is that we want to overcome this bad patch. We would not like the relationship to fail. We want to fight for it. We need to solve the problem that originated everything. We are to be good again with our boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife … But, how? The fact is that I do not know what to do about it! Well, let’s see some techniques that can help us recover the relationship we want to have … Continue reading!
What is wrong?
In the first place, many times the problems come because the communication in the couple is not given effect. It may happen that we are not able to explain to the other person what we think and feel. It is also common that we choose to tell him things at the wrong time and place. On the other hand, we may not hear you correctly.
Therefore, in addition to promoting communication skills within the couple, it is important to find when and where it is appropriate to talk. In this way, we can control the situation effectively. It seems clear that a family meal or a stay with friends will not help us to solve the conflict. On the contrary, surely it aggravates it.
To finish, many times it fails that we go untimely. Let me explain. There are times when, when one wants to solve the problem, the other does not. Or vice versa. We then enter a very toxic dynamic that is undermining the relationship. It is essential, therefore, that both parties collaborate and see that the solution of the problems is a shared task.
Now that we have established the bases to solve the problems, what is the next step? Separating the approach of the problem from its solution is necessary. That is, first we have to define what is happening and, once we have it clear in the couple, work to solve it.
Let’s go to parts … How can we raise problems?
When we go to talk with our partner, we have to leave the negative attitudes outside and try to maintain a reflective position as neutral as possible. Once we have the right attitude, we can start the conversation about what happens. For initial dialogue, it is good to make a positive comment, to facilitate the cooperation and receptivity of the other.
It is essential that we try to solve a specific problem every time. If we decide to work several very general things, the task will become impossible. It is more feasible to reach an agreement about leaving the lid of the toilet raised or not about whether the other leaves the bathroom made a mess whenever you use it.
You have to pose the problem briefly and concretely, determining it with words, actions, and specific behaviors. It is also relevant to say obvious things, without interpretations of why our partner does one job or the other. On the other hand, we have to express our feelings openly, so that the other person can understand why that makes us upset.
But we must also acknowledge the part of our fault in the problem. Finally, for the question to be posted correctly, it is good that we make sure that we understand it … How? We are listening to our partner attentively. Also, if we repeat and summarize the message we have received, the other person can tell us if we have understood or not, and correct us if necessary.
What can we do to solve the problems?
Once the problem (recorded, only one at a time!) Is well defined, you have to work to solve it or to minimize it to an expression that does not bother either of them. Now, how can we find an adequate solution? Sometimes we know what happens, but not what we can do to move forward, right?
In these moments when we are stuck, we can resort to a technique that sure sounds to everyone: the brainstorming. What does it consist of? In saying all the solutions that come to mind … Even those that seem crazy to us! So we can eliminate those that are not useful and find one that is satisfactory for both.
Now that we believe we have the solution, we have to start it to see if it works or not. If it turns out that it does not, we should not lose hope; it is human’s to make mistakes. What we will do is go back to the storm of ideas to see what else can be useful to us.
But before launching the solution, there is one thing to do. You both have to compromise to modify your behavior. It is necessary to reach an agreement, even in writing. The important thing is that we delimit well the terms of the intermediate point that we have achieved. I know that it is not easy, but that the relationships work requires work on the part of both parties … Let’s solve the problems to have a healthy relationship!