A few days ago, I was having a conversation with a coworker about the cinematic medium, and I ended up laughing so hard that I was weeping. Written by none other than Jean-Claude Van Damme himself, it recalls the making of Steven E. de Souza’s infamous Street Fighter: The Last Battle.
The very nature of imagining the set of the film adaptation of the Capcom video game encourages you to do so in a state of disarray, an absence of command, and a setting that is as hallucinatory as it is ethereal. The protagonist of this piece claims, in an interview with The Guardian, that he had an affair with Kylie Minogue because of this strange setting.
Everything we know about this is true. In the 1990s, Guile and Cammy were two stunning stars who met every day on set. The event was inevitable. But the words Van Damme chose to deliver the news are both the source of the problem and the source of the humour. Listen up, for the bocachanclada doesn’t throw anything away.
“This actually occurred. We had an affair in Thailand. Kisses so sweet, sex so lovely… Given that she is stunningly attractive and was in my presence on a daily basis, it would have been highly unusual for us not to have an affair. I took her around the places I know well in Thailand. Quite simply, she’s an outstanding female human being.”
The right phrase is “I showed him my Tailanida,” as written. She could have said anything, but she chose “I showed him my Thailand.” Even though I am the first to chuckle at this, it is still something sad and awful, and it’s hard to picture Minogue, who has been said to have an on-again, off-again relationship with JCVD (who also helped propel the film to the top of farlopa), delivering a similarly witty statement.